Good Listening (The Basic of Counseling)

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Good Listening fulfills three of the most deeply felt human needs, needs that cannot be fulfilled in any other way (Sullivan, 2000).

  • Our need to ventilate out feelings; to find a healthy outlet for them.
  • Our need for emotional intimacy
  • And, most important of all, our overwhelming need to have our self-esteem validated and affirmed.



(The Good Listener, Sullivan 2000)

The ways that we Listen Poorly   -

1.     Refusing to Listen – I may not mean to blame you, but that’s exactly what my lack of interest back to you. Ex. “I’m sick of your complaints!” Or, “Not now; I don’t have time.”

2.      Pretending to Listen-This also happens a lot. One can pretend to listen to you, when he/she is not really listening at all. This approach certainly elicits shame to the other person. *There’s no wrong in asking questions.


3.   Listening without Patience- Without exercising the necessary patience that real listening requires. The person may just keep on interrupting with the quick “solutions” for the problem.

4.    Listening but not Understanding- Oftentimes, we thought that we were listening, but we were just listening to ourselves, to our own point of view. We don’t look problem through their eyes. We look at it through our own!


5.    Listening without an adequate response- Without giving an adequate response is seemed like we are not letting the person know that we understood their feelings, there’s no comfort. It seemed that we just left the person with their confusions. When one do this, even though you have listened so well, your listening is worthless!


The Steps to Good Listening

1.       Stepping out of my own world.  “I have to put aside- at least for the moment –my own preconceived notions and prejudices and my own point of view. I need to break out of this world of mine or else, I will never see things as YOU see or feel what you feel!”

2.      Entering into your own world.  “I must not only leave my own world, but I must also enter into your world as though I were looking at it through your eyes. Doing that is not an easy task, because I am so convinced that my perception is the true one, and it becomes even more complicated when you intentionally hide your true feelings from me.”

3.      Sensing your Deepest Feelings. “It is my effort to search for your deepest hurt: the thing that bothers you the most. But then I help you the most when I am able to identify your deepest pain and respond to that with understanding & support.”

4.    Giving an Adequate Response. “This final step is essential. What you need is exactly a warm, caring response to show you that I understand and care. So, it is imperative that I make an adequate response to you. How do I do that? Do I have to make a beautiful speech? Or, present you with an instant solution to your problem? Do have to give an instant sedative to you pain? No. Not at all! My response can be just a simple exclamation: Oh, I’m awfully sorry! Or Wow, that’s really rough! That genuine, feeling response is much more effective than a long speech.

In Counseling, we use Active listening…

Active Listening –means attention to both the verbal and non-verbal messages of the counselee.


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